I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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