I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
