I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize