I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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