this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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