The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
