now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
