I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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