I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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