college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
