i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
