I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
