Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
