dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
