The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
