I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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