my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
