I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
pray to the hookup gods
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
