Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
