You tried to poop in the sink last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize