Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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