Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
