Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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