remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
