my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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