i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
