I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
