sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
