hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
