mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
