I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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