Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
