Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
