seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize