I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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