i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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