Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
