mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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