She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
