Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
