Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
