I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
