my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
