Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
