A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
