This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize