My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
