Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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