I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
