i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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