new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
