My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
