OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
