Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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