saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
